Matthew 16:24-26 tells us “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
I’d of course heard that verse many dozens of times in my life, but late in 2020 it really resonated with me, and I felt something break away and give inside me that had never moved before. I’ve mentioned multiple times on my Twitter about being a porn addict in recovery, and I am. However, when I read that verse in late 2020, I decided to go full bore one step further, and I went full permanent no FAP for the first time in my life since 7th grade or so.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I made a big ceremony with the wife, and I bought some cheesy AA tokens and I gave her one on the last day of every month that I went no FAP. I made this accomplishment through ZERO strength of my own. This was all God’s doing. I prayed that if He gave me the strength, I would refuse to break this time. And as of 8:45 PM CST on 1-5-22 I am just over 14 months completely clean.
Once I’d picked up that cross and followed Him, I wanted to find more. Sometime in 2020 I swore that I wouldn’t cut my hair or shave my beard till I turn 40 in honor of my Templar ancestors.
I also started the Orthodox fasting schedule in February of 2021, and at that time I said that I would observe the schedule for 1 year, while at the same time learning about and discovering Orthodoxy. I did decide that Orthodoxy is my path to Christ, and I consider myself an Orthodox Christian right now, which is why my current admission fills me with regret.
Sometime about December 20th, I ran out of strength inside. I couldn’t do both no FAP and the fasting schedule. It was like a maddened buzzing in the back of my mind, even worse than normal. It was absolutely the most crushing and darkest time I’ve had in years, so I made a conscious choice that the greatest sin would be for me to break the no FAP, so I broke the fast instead. I’ve been eating meat ever since.
The worst part for me is that while it has given me the strength to continue the fight on the one hand, it is only by the slimmest of margins. Every moment of every day is a tornado of lust that I am cast adrift inside, bereft of strength and almost bereft of will to resist. My dreams are no better, I’m constantly haunted by images and such behind my eyes when I sleep. I awake unrested and wishing only for oblivion to claim me for just a few hours.
Now, at the end of all of that, what is my purpose in writing this? Is it to black pill everyone into giving up?
Of course not.
Even though I failed, I take away from this two very important lessons:
First, I’d rather attempt to fly over the sun and fail than to wallow in the mud as a grub. The time that I was able to fast, I felt closer to God than I ever have in my life. He granted me two direct visions during that time, as well as guided our every move on the way here to Texas. I picked up my cross and tried to lose my life for Him, and I gained everything for a time.
Second, I failed, but I know that my Father still loves me, as he loves each of you no matter your sins. My salvation is not at risk because I am eating meat right now. My salvation was never up to my own strength anyway. If it was, I’d be damned right from birth. No, I say that even though I’ve failed, I’m loved unconditionally by my Father.
I will continue praying for Mercy and redemption, as should you. For right now, my strength is low, and I feel vulnerable. I will fight on, and God will walk with me once more. Never let the fact you dropped your cross put you down. Look for another one, and follow Him.
If anyone reading this struggles with porn use or the damage to a relationship that it has caused, I am not a professional, but I’m more than happy to offer 1 on 1 advice. It’s free, and probably worth what you pay for it, but if a wretch like me can beat the Devil of lust, you can too.